"Please carry me, it's not me that's doing this, it's you. I'm not doing this, melt me away."
I could have never imagined that the journey brought me to this, but it was happening and there was no turning back - and as scared as I was. A 3-day-retreat and I was one of the facilitators. Sure, I've taught before, but this was a whole new ballgame and the pressure was seemingly on.
It's minutes to the first workshop and I could feel a very familiar feeling: palms are sweaty, a hot pain from my stomach to my throat, and a shaking nervousness starting in my chest. My anxiety was peaking and I had really hoped that this wouldn't happen, but here we were.
I stood in the main hall and tried to do everything to get myself to calm down; drank a hot tea, did my breathing, tried to ground, but it just wasn't working. I recognized these feelings very well: lots of anxiety and lots of thoughts of not even knowing how to start the workshop. I suddenly felt the weight of the pressure in my mind and body and I felt like I had failed, even before we began.
"We spent the last five weeks prepping for this, there was no way I could feel like this right now," I thought. I knew I didn't want to start the retreat like this and I resorted to praying and really asking the Divine to be with me. Little did I know and had to be reminded, that I was asking for the Divine, but the Divine was already meeting me.
I closed my eyes and really had to go within, not even to just shut off the world, but to really connect. I tuned into the sounds of the mantras, and I asked all the Divine beings to be with me, "Please carry me, it's not me that's doing this, it's you. I'm not doing this, melt me away."
And so said, so done.
I felt the silence within me start to grow and I felt my heart also opening wide. I immediately knew how to start the workshop, and it came from that bigger space. I didn't have to fight inside of me to think, it flowed right out.
But I wasn't alone in this feeling.
The entire space was silent and I felt as though everyone in the room was holding the space for whatever was to come. The Field was interacting and I felt blessed to be a part of it.
Who was that who was scared and intimidated? It didn't feel like "me" when I began to speak and then I realized that this is not about me "teaching" or "telling". There is an interaction happening between souls and we are connecting on the highest level.
This entire process was the undoing of a "doer". I could feel a space open up inside of me that is deeper than retaining knowledge and speaking it out loud; there was a silence in my Being that allowed the "thinker" to move out of the way. I could rest in the witness and in silence.
My heart space was nourishing the entire process and was also a balm for my mind.
The level of nourishment in my entire Being is still felt even days after the retreat. I now understand the field in which these interactions exist and my biggest prayer is to keep this consciousness with me always. Daily meditation helps with that at the moment.
The listening field is a power field and being able to feel another in that space has opened to my eyes to how we interact from the inside. It is beyond thought, words, and the need for contemplation.
It is only existing and Being in that.
I thank the Universe for this entire experience because it opened my eyes to so much more.
We continue the exploration together.
With love,
Sridevi
If any part of this resonates with you, please share, and let's connect on it together.
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So blessed to be you! 🙏🏽 such beautiful sharing and nice when you’re able to “catch it” and “be”…. Awesome stepping up, tapping into and coming out.🌺💐
Dear Sridevi,
How beautiful you have written down your proces of being one if the facilitators dringend the retreat. How you were witnessing your egoproces by the start of the retreat and took the right steps to go inside and to pray for guidance what to do, to let the silence come so that the conscience field could speak through you.
Thank you for sharing your proces and your wisdom . Namaste Sharada
Beautifully inspiring 🙏. Thank you for sharing Sri Devi. You are blessed to live such a mission and purpose .